It's been way too long since I've written anything!
I was going to write something on the 6 month anniversary of Adria passing,but I just wasn't up to it.It hit me really hard.I can't believe she's been go for so long.Just saying "she's been gone for half of a year" sounds so long,so surreal.
I was the same way when we were in Boston with A;at her 6 month birthday I was a mess.The half a year thing just gets me I guess.I remember the same thoughts;my poor baby has been in a hospital for half a year.I've been living in a hospital sleep space,the size of a cubicle,for half a year.Living separate from my husband (who I had never been apart from for more than a couple days) for half a year.
I think about it now,and it seems like it was eons ago and yesterday at the same time;I don't know how to describe it.I remember her like it was yesterday,and I am so thankful for that-I'm petrified to forget things about her.But the experience as a whole,sometimes it almost feels like it was all in my head and I have to pause and think "was that all real?How did I not lose my mind?".Obviously I know it happened,but it's just...weird.
On another note,I will be going to the OB soon to get the official all-clear to try to have another baby.I am worried.I am sure I'll get the all clear,as Adria's condition was not a genetic one.But I'm just nervous in general.I'll have to go off of my anxiety meds,which makes me nervous.I am worried about where my mind will go if I do get pregnant,and I will be constantly convinced that I won't bring a baby home even if everything goes well.And once the baby gets home,I will be constantly worried that things will not stay ok.We both want another baby so badly,but I'm just scared of the uncertainty.
